


Thin Floors and Tall Ceilings

by AliceYinh



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fiction, Heartache, Heartbreak, Love, Love Letters, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-03-21 03:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13732485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceYinh/pseuds/AliceYinh
Summary: A series of letters she wrote to him; after he left her.In an attempt of trying to stay sane, trying to heal; and find peace in the fact that some questions will never be answered, she writes down what she has left to say to him, hoping he might read it someday.-This is for everyone who is hurt, who feels like their heart might actually break any moment. For the ones who were left behind, without answers, without an explanation. You're not alone. -





	1. I'll tell you a secret

I lied.  
I never cared.  
I never cared about jumping into it too fast, about settling down, I didn't care about any of it. I just did what felt right at the time.  
Timing is a bitch, you know? If it didn't happen in in this town, if I wasn't from a goddamn different country, I swear it would've never went that way.  
You would probably come home to me painting the walls one day and I would be covered in paint, smiling brighter than the sun and you would look at me, kind of dazzled and confused. And we would end up running around the room, me and you both covered in various colors and I'd stop and wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you. There'd be some paint on your cheek, some shade of blue in my hair and a pencil in my hand while you continue to kiss me.  
It would never feel like settleing down. Every day would be fresh, and new.  
That's kind of the cruel thing about this place. You don't really go out on a date, but everyone is always out to party. Things get a weird routine and before you know it you feel like you've been in a relationship for years and wake up one day and are afraid...

I'll tell you a secret.  
I lied. I never cared. I wanted to be with you, because it felt right, and good. And I felt like I could make you happy.  
I don't even think I ever want to settle down, not in the way people refer to it. But having you, day by day, next to me, felt like coming home.  
And whether that means staying in your country or moving somewhere else together or just exploring the world... I wanted to have all of those adventures with you and it never would've felt like settling down.  
But life is cruel and tends to give you exactly what you want at the worst time possible.  
So I sit here, with dissapointment and regret, our love that could have been, already faded...


	2. Your Heart An Empty Room

God I feel so alone.   
One day I have hope -   
and the next you throw me away like I'm just another girl, one of those who leave at dawn and never come back. They might leave a sock or a pair of tights and you get annoyed, because what are you supposed to do with them now?

Is that all I ever was to you? Four months of sharing a bed, sharing every moment, dark and light, seeing each other at our best and worst, shared secrets we never dare to tell anyone else because it makes us too weak.   
All of it in vain, leaving me with a feeling it never even meant anything to you. Where did our plans go? The one's we'd whisper in a conversation, afraid it might sound crazy? Having hope for this foolish kind of love, one that was against all odds, intense, insane, one out of the books. Unreal.  
I'd like to ask you all of these questions but I'm afraid I might not be able to ask one. There's so many things I don't understand, so many question marks that you're not willing to answer.   
They always say the goodbyes without explanation, the ones that never actually happen are the worst. And it's true.

I think I'd be able to understand. Understand why, at the very least accept your decision. Not all relationships end well, sometimes people fall out of love for no reason, sometimes it's just bad timing and who knows, it might wasn't meant to be. As much as it hurts to write these words, because - at least to me - it was everything and I suddenly understood why it had never worked with anyone else, no matter how hard I tried. But I think I could at least accept it and keep you in my memories, as the person that I met you, not the person you became to push me away.  
But I guess I'll just stay here. Left behind with nothing but a text message.  
That's the problem. I know you. You've already closed yourself off, you made up your mind; and once you do you don't change it. 

So have fun. Have fun drinking. Have fun getting high. Have fun fucking around like there's no tomorrow. The next cute girl might wait just around the corner. And when I'll find out, fucking hell, it'll hurt even more than now. Because then I'll know, it never meant anything to you.  
You move on without even looking back.

Just don't you dare blaming me for being irrational. You broke my goddamn heart. 

I have the right to be dramatic.


	3. what we had was great

Every day since you ended it starts the same. My alarm goes off, I open my eyes, and the same words echo in my head over and over again. "I want to meet other people, I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner [...] what we had was great, but for me it has run it's course."  
I spend some time on my phone where there is no new message for me until it's time to get up. I get dressed, I do my hair, I leave the house and go to work.   
"I want to meet other people, I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner [...] what we had was great, but for me it has run it's course."   
People at work ask me "Hey, how's it going?" - "I'm goood, how are you?"  
"I want to meet other people, I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner [...] what we had was great, but for me it has run it's course."   
I come home and my roommates ask "How've you been today?" - "Pretty good, busy work day, was nice, how about you guys?"  
"I want to meet other people, I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner [...] what we had was great, but for me it has run it's course."...

You know, yesterday I met up with our friend. We drank a bit, talked about everything and as I kept drinking I started feeling better. He always tells me what I don't want to, but need to hear and when I went home I listened to the music I usually cannot stand anymore and as I waited for the bus in the dark I smiled. And surprisingly it felt real. Just for that moment, these few minutes that I spent waiting, my heart did not feel like it wasn't there anymore - it was the exact opposite. I couldn't understand why but I didn't want to either. After so many days of pain, grief and sadness I just let it be.   
For a little while I was able to breathe, I felt like me, the person you fell for, the person you said was so amazing, so unique you could barely wrap your head around the fact that I was yours.   
And god damn it felt good. It felt so fucking good.   
Being me. Just me. So confident and just... pure. It was the person you fell for, the person you would have needed me to be to get you through whatever is going on right now.   
By the time I got back I was still tipsy, I crawled into my bed, got all comfy and fell asleep, still thinking about your words, but the dreadful feeling that usually came with them stayed absent.

"I want to meet other people, I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner [...] what we had was great, but for me it has run it's course."   
The wall I faced as I opened my eyes the next day still had that ugly shade of pastel yellow and your words echoed through my head.  
I woke up and everything was the same. The alcohol had left my blood and we both know all too well how the next morning feels when reality hits you and all of a sudden you understand why people drink; and why they keep drinking.   
I started missing you. I can't help it. No matter how hard I try, I find myself missing your blue eyes and kissing you on the cheek because you've done something cute. I can't help but wish I was still able to smile at you and you would smile back and we wouldn't need any words. All these memories come back up and I drown in nostalgia for a second until it hits me. 

I'm the only one feeling that way.

Because you moved on and all you feel is relief. 

These memories are all I'll ever have.

Because let's be honest, I have the daunting feeling that we'll never talk about this. You'll never tell me in person. The words that echo through my head all day are nothing more than the goddamn text message I got from you. If I didn't know you that well I wouldn't even be able to imagine the tone you would say it in. And even all that, just imagination, not reality.  
And while you feel good about life again I'm left over here, wondering when I'll finally wake up, get dressed, go to work and can answer the question of how I'm doing with "I'm good" and I'll actually mean it.


	4. One More Light;

_-There are things that we can have but can't keep-_

 

Of all the letters I wrote to you I want you to read this one the least. If I had someone to talk to I'd never even write it down. But you were my friend; you were my light. The person I wanted to share everything with. I'm sorry I'm still bothering you in my mind with my letters. I swear I wouldn't if I had another way.

I want to die. 

I feel pathetic, I feel miserable, I just don't want to go on anymore. Everything tells me to leave this place, to go back home but I don't have a home anymore. The thought of going back to where I started scares me so much. I know I'm running away but fuck it, I want to run away and never come back to what made me think my life will never be anything but sad and miserable. All that waits back home is a life I don't want to live, surrounded by people who don't understand.   
How it feels like coming home from home. They would ask you how you've been, what you've done and you'd tell them, excited and happy, trying to put into words what happened in the past 12 months. But they wouldn't really listen... So you'd shut up at one point, not wanting to share these precious memories with people who, at the end of the day, don't care...  
Others who travel understand. The people you meet along the way understand. You don't even have to say much. They look at you, how your eyes shine, listen to how your voice has this tone of disbelief while you struggle to explain how lucky you are but they stop you and just say: "I understand", and unlike all the others, they do.   
How can I possibly go back after I've experienced all of this? 

For a while I was doing so well. That's when you met me.   
And we were the same. We had both left everything behind to finally get happy and it looked like it worked out. And for just, like, a brief second life was perfect.

And then that moment was over and all I'm left with are the thoughts of how I'll never hear you play the piano, I'll never make it into one of your songs, I'll never get to run away with you to have adventures. God fuck. I wanted to hear you play so badly. It's not fair.

Everything is ruined. And while I know that after all this is just a goddamn me problem I can't help it. My head spins all day long, my mind is in a place where I never wanted it to be again and yet here we are.   
Nobody wants to meet up with me, nobody likes me, I don't like myself. Life gave me everything I wanted and took even more than it gave. Now it tells me to go back to where I belong, because girls like me aren't supposed to be happy. We don't get what we want, we're not supposed to live the way we dreamed it.

You know, everyone probably thinks I'm overreacting. It's only been five months, how could I possibly get so attached? Why don't I just move on? Why can't I just say fuck it?  
Well, first of all, you told me before I get attached way too easily. As if it was a bad thing. But if there's one thing I still don't hate about me it's that. The ability to love, to hope, to have faith.   
It's making me so miserable right now but it's also the only thing that keeps me going.   
My love for the stars and the bright blue sky. My love for a new sunrise, my desperate hope for my life to have a happy ending, my naive dream for this to still work out, even though everything is lost for sure and the realist in me knows just oh too well...   
Second of all, I don't measure love, feelings, whatever in time. I used to be like you. Look at the time I spent with a person and suddenly convinced myself I had to jump out before it was too late. It ruined ever relationship I ever had.   
Let me tell you, let me tell everyone else: Don't think about the amount of time, about how fast things have progressed, don't care about any of it. Just listen to what your heart says you. 

It's as cheesy and simple as that.

Maybe you did that, in which case it would hurt even more, but there's a part of me who believes that you - just like I did once - got scared by time, and what was normal and appropriate and what was insanity. I'll tell you another secret.  
If it's not insane, if it doesn't drive you mad, if it doesn't scare you at least a little, it's not worth it.  
Well, I do feel a little better now. I still ask myself if the fact that I knew my time was limited just made things easier for me but not for you. I'm still miserable because life tries to tell me to give up, to go home and I still wonder if I'll ever be happy again.

 

I still want to die. I'd rather die, covered by an avalanche tomorrow than accept my defeat and give up on what I fought for for so long.   
But don't you worry. Just like you, I'm a coward. Remember the conversation we had at the lake? You told me you'll never have the guts to drink enough bleach, to cut deep enough or to actually pull the trigger.  
"Yeah, me neither", I said. "No matter what happens, no matter how badly I want to end things... I've always" and I took a deep breath and stared into the darkness "loved life a little bit to much. It sucks, doesn't it?"  
"No. It's a good thing."  
"If you say so..."

I wish I could say by now I could actually do it. But I can't.   
Maybe one day I'll be thankful for it.


	5. They Say if You Love Her Let Her Go

I've always been a big defender and believer of the words "The saddest breakups aren't the ones that happen because you don't feel the same way anymore. It's the ones that end because sometimes it just doesn't work. Not matter how much you want it to."

Life likes to throw things at us at times where we often need it most. It gives us exactly what we need but didn't look for, didn't even expect to happen in a time where this thing ends up being the one thing we needed. To heal, to lift our spirits, to learn to trust again, to say goodbye to old demons, whatever it may be.   
A lot of people like to describe these things, these people, or sometimes something as simple as a conversation with a stranger a Miracle, Faith, God. It has many names. And in these moments life feels so good and right, we never want it to end.  
Unfortunately, life also has a way of being cruel. And not only cruel. I mean, we all know it can be feisty. But sometimes life likes to bite.

Right where it hurts the most.

Relationships that end because of other things than simply the feelings not being the same anymore - which is sad enough in itself, and sometimes just as cruel - the ones that end because of other reasons have an even sadder aftertaste.  
May it be cheating, family tearing you apart, or distance and the realization that, not matter how much you love each other, it can't make up for the fact you can't be near each other. And sometimes, everything feels perfect for a second, and then one day you come to the devastating conclusion that it isn't and, timing just isn't right and you have to let the person go you could imagine spending your life with. 

People of then say, 'If you really love that person, you should let them go.'

We all agree with this, nod and truly believe in it until the time comes and we're faced with the decision to - for their sake, as much as for yours - to let them go, no matter how much you love each other.   
And that's the moment where we pause, where we don't want it to happen. We blatantly deny the words we've always agreed to and preached to others. when it comes to ourselves we simply want to live in the perfect, bright fantasy world we lived in until that moment to continue and never end.

 

But what hurts the most, the very most; Is one person losing the faith, the belief and the strength to hold onto it, no matter how hard the hardships may be, while the other one desperately tries to glue back the broken pieces into a whole. 

There are times where love just isn't enough to get through the hard times.  
That's when it bites.  
When everything was perfect for a second. And then that moment was gone. And there's no time travel, no magic, no god to make it undone.


	6. Perseids

It's okay.  
I stopped wishing. I stopped waiting for shooting stars. I don't wish for anything anymore. Why should I bother, the stars don't seem to hear my words anyways. And if they do, they have chosen to ignore me a long, long time ago.

I remember being a little kid, sitting on fresh cut hay in the summer nights with my father as he told me about the night sky and a beautiful, magic phenomenon called shooting stars. I vividly remember the night I saw one for the first time. Not one of those where you blink and kind of question yourself if it really happened or if you've just been staring up at the stars for too long. I'm talking about one of those they animate in movies. Bright, celestial, a big, long tail behind it that illuminates the sky for approximately 3 and a half seconds before the world gets a little darker again.   
When I saw that I immediately believed. I believed in all the stories they tell about shooting stars. It is so easy to be convinced that a thing so... dazzling, so magnificent and out of this world can make anything happen, if one just wishes for it desperately enough.

And so I started wishing.

Countless nights staring up at the night sky, hoping to see one of them fall down from their glorious kingdom to bring a little stardust into this simple, imperfect world.

None of my wishes have ever come true. Especially not the ones I've wanted to come true the most. The ones my heart held on to the dearest are the ones that someone, or something chose to destroy.   
I am starting to think that people like me probably aren't meant to have a happy ending. I do not know what I have done to deserve this. Maybe there isn't even anyone to hate on for this, because shooting stars are just fleeting moments, seconds of sheer unbelievably beauty and nothing more. It is likely that I was just fooled. Too little to see past the fairy tale like stories I was told about the magical power these falling stars hold. But I guess sometimes you can't help but feel betrayed. It's easier than accepting the mortifying truth that there is no one to blame but yourself.

People come and go, life is long and what feels like the end today will feel like a small nuisance one day but maybe sometimes I don't want another person to leave my life. Maybe I was ready to breathe for a while and just love and live and enjoy. Life is long, that's true but I don't only want to be content at the very last day of my life. 

But I've got tired of hoping, of wishing, of believing. None of my wishes have ever been granted. I got tired of admiring something that isn't ever going to come and help me anyways.  
The night sky and the stars used to be my favourite thing to look at. I think I've kind of come to hate their graceful beauty.

 

With the hope that you're alright and healing, because not matter how hard I am trying, I am not.

Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not even know what this chapter is, I'm sorry. I just had to get a lot of tangled and weird thoughts out of my system

**Author's Note:**

> As they are written as letters, I wanted them to be like real ones as well. While I checked for major grammar and spelling mistakes I keep every letter as true to the first draft as possible. Real letters have mistakes, they have flaws, sometimes they have words crossed out, doodles on the side or smudged ink all over it. Most letters are masterpieces in themselves, not always because of how perfect they are or how well words have been used, but because they are raw and true and tripping with deep feelings.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read any of this. You have no idea how much it means to me.


End file.
